If I were gay
by Djap
Summary: BETAD Nathan Stark x Jack Carter, the masters of bickering try to have a go at a relationship.


**IF I WERE GAY**

**A EUR****e****KA FANFICTION**

**PAIRING**: Jack Carter x Nathan Stark, or the masters of bickering trying to get it on

**AUTHOR**: Djap

**RATING**: NC17, well kind of ;)

**BETA: **Neenabluegirl – like always you've done good work. Thank you for your help.

**GENRE**: Humor, First Time, inspired by the song 'If I were gay' from Stephen Lynch

**DISCLAIMER**: I don't own the boys and I won't make any money with them. Promise

**LANGUAGE**: English

**To: MyBrainIsDead/BRAINLESS, you wrote me once a comment on my fics and wanted to volunteer to beta for me, but you didn't leave me an address to contact you. If you still want to, you can contact me on my e-mail address or write me on this side**

**/**

**If I were gay**

**a Djap story**

**/**

"Carter?"

"Stark? Are… are you drunk?"

"What d'you want?"

"Seeing you now, I definitely want to make you a coffee."

"No. No way in hell."

"Let me inside Stark, don't be a baby."

"Not talkin' to you. You're stupid."

"Stop pouting. You look ridiculous. Now let me in."

"No. You'll take Allie away from me."

"Stop your whining. God, I shouldn't have listened to her."

"See, you're just here to laugh at me."

"No, actually I'm here to make sure you're not going to hurt yourself in your state."

"What state?"

"You being drunk just because Allison refused to marry you."

"It's already all over Eureka I take it."

"No. She just phoned to ask me, if I could watch over you."

"…pf… I'm not even worth enough to get her to watch me."

"No, right now she's busy telling General Mansfield why one of his best scientists can't supervise his own experiments."

"Surely they're laughing at my expense… stop that eye-rolling Carter. I know how this works."

"You know nothing. She's telling him about the awful flu you caught last week and how it's preventing you from coming to work."

"Yeah, sure."

"Will you let me in? I came all that way up to your house just to see if you're alright."

"Well, I am. Now go away."

"Not until I got some coffee into you. You smell like a still and I _am _the town sheriff. I know all about your love for driving fast cars."

"Carter I'm _fine. _I'm a genius. I won't be doing something stupid."

"Well your ex-wife would know you and she was really concerned, which means you are stuck with me. Deal with it."

"Fine. Just don't expect me to talk to you."

"No, I just expect you to drink my coffee to sober you up a little."

"Carter, where the hell are you going?"

"Urhm… to your kitchen?"

"So what are you doing in my bedroom then?"

"This is my first time around your house and you're not really helping me finding my way around."

"Well, kitchen's over there."

"Thank you very much."

"Sarcasm noted."

/

"Is that a good or a bad sigh?"

"A good one."

"You don't need to sound so dramatic about it, Stark. I know my coffee's good."

"I always thought S.A.R.A.H. spoiled you completely."

"There was a time in my life before S.A.R.A.H."

"Yeah, then you were married."

"I was a U.S. Marshal. I wasn't around my wife much."

"So you needed to brew your own coffee."

"Exactly."

"..."

"What is it, Stark?"

"I'm still wondering why you're here."

"Because Allison asked me."

"So she told you about her theory? Are you here to mock me?"

"Stark, really. You're getting on my nerves. I just thought you might want someone to talk to. I know it must have been tough for you to get turned down…"

"You have no idea."

"Actually I have."

"You proposed to Allison too?"

"Don't get yourself worked up about nothing. Sit back down on the couch. I never proposed to Allison. But there have been other women in my life."

"But there's no one like Allie."

"Yeah, I know…"

"You don't know anything!"

"Shh… it's okay. Just let it all out. It will get better, I promise."

"No, I can't. This whole thing is just ridiculous! If she would have told me she didn't love me anymore or that she wanted to be with someone else, I could have left her. But not like this."

"What happened? Tell me."

"She really didn't tell you her little theory?"

"No. She just asked me to look after you. Please, just tell me."

"Well, she said she can't be with me anymore because I… I… gods of science, I can't even say it."

"Just out with it, Stark!"

"She thinks I'm gay."

"…"

"Say something!"

"I… don't know what to say… That's ridiculous."

"See. That's what I told her, but she just wouldn't listen."

"So, have you ever…"

"No, of course not. I wouldn't be so scandalized if…"

"Never even thought about it?"

"I'm a scientist. Of course I thought about it."

"What does the one thing do with the other?"

"Gathering data is the reason for living to scientists… why should this be any different?"

"So you thought about it, but never did anything about it?"

"No."

"…"

"_What is it, _Carter?"

"So if you thought about it, but never tried it, how do you know you don't like it?"

"I don't."

"So technically she could be right."

"No. I can't be gay because I definitely was attracted to her."

"Good point. So… where does that leave you? Could you be bisexual then?"

"Why are you suddenly so interested in my sexual orientation?"

"I just wanted to keep the conversation going. Remember? Me being concerned about your health because Allison dumped you?"

"That's the way to go, Carter. Just put salt into my bleeding wounds… and stop with that eye-rolling. It's really starting to annoy me."

"You can be such an ass, you know."

"What? You come here and pretend to care…"

"I DO care, you idiot…"

"Don't call me that. I'm a genius!"

"You aren't behaving like one right now."

"Stop insulting me!"

"Stop giving me reason to!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"…"

"…"

"What now?"

"I don't know."

"Don't sound so smug. You could finally follow my wishes and leave me alone."

"Nope, I got a better idea."

"Hey, hands of my liquor cabinet!"

"Is whiskey alright?"

"Fine. I started with it anyway… wait, what are you doing? Didn't you just make me coffee to sober me up? Are you trying to kill me?"

"No, I just want to have a decent conversation with you, and I don't think we'll be able to do that sober."

"That means you drinking with me now?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. Then get your ass over here and bring the bottle. No, don't even bother with glasses. We won't need them."

/

"So, d'you think it's safe to speak again?"

"How many fingers do you see, Carter?"

"Hey, keep your three hands still, you're making counting difficult. What's there to laugh about?"

"Nothing. And I think it's pretty safe to talk again."

"Cool, I was getting bored."

"Do you want some chips? I always get hungry when I drink too much."

"We could order Pizza from Vincent."

"Sounds like a plan."

/

"Woah, I'm full. I don't think I'll ever be able to move."

"Pizza was a great idea, Carter."

"Thanks."

"Like the idea of… let's say genius."

"Well, thank you. Coming from you that means a lot – even dripping with sarcasm."

"Stop laughing at me. I was trying to insult you."

"Doesn't work. Right now I'm too content to feel annoyed."

"Carter?"

"Yes?"

"Don't sound so innocent, you know exactly where the problem is."

"Do I? Don't think so. Remember? No genius."

"What the hell are you doing with your hand?"

"Nothing. It's just laying there."

"It's just laying there on _my _thigh."

"And?"

"What the hell is it doing there?"

"…"

"Shrugging is no decent answer, you know?"

"I just thought, you might want to test it."

"Test what? And stop stroking my thigh. You're creeping me out."

"Allison's theory. Or half of the theory anyway."

"Have you lost your mind?"

"The last time I looked for it, it was still in its usual place…"

"_Carter!_"

"What? I thought you said you're curious."

"Does that mean you've done this before?"

"…"

"Holy shit, that's a yes, right?"

"Maybe."

"Don't give me this crap. Did you?"

"I might have some experience."

"Wow. I never would have imagined."

"Really?"

"No, not of you. I didn't figure you for someone into that."

"Well, I'm not parading it around…"

"Hey, hold your horses. There's no reason to get angry. Where did this come from?"

"Are you disgusted?"

"No. Of course not. I wasn't going to make fun of you."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

"So…"

"…"

"…"

"Carter? Does that mean we're going to try this? Like in that song?"

"Which song?"

"Oh, you know…_here we are, dear old friends, you and I, drunk again_…"

"We certainly are no 'dear old friends'"

"But we certainly are wasted…"

"So what about this song?"

"It's about two guys getting drunk and fooling around, but one of them stops them. The refrain goes like _but if I were gay, I would give you my heart, and if I were gay, you'd be my work of art, and if I were gay, we would swim in romance, but I'm not gay, so get your hand out of my pants…_"

"Sounds like a fun song."

"Oh, it is."

"Is this your way of telling me you're not interested?"

"Actually, at the end of the song they end up doing it anyway… hey, there's no need to look so smug… what… ugh… woah… okay… do that again."

"You like?"

"I don't think there are actually men out there who hate getting their dick stroked through their pants."

"Well usually it still depends on the gender of the person doing it…"

"Are we still discussing preferences here?"

"It is what this is all about, isn't it?"

"Uh… what? Your hand distracted me… you were saying…?"

"Never mind… we can talk later…"

"Sounds like a plan to me."

/

"Ewww, what the hell did you do that for?"

"Because I thought you might like it, Stark."

"A tongue in my ear? That's extremely gross."

"I like it fine."

"Surely you don't expect me to do that to you?"

"No need to sound so scandalized. Of course not if you don't like doing it. Relax."

"Easy for you to say."

/

"You're hell of a kisser, Stark."

"Was that actual praise?"

"I think so. I like the feel of your beard against my skin."

"Have you finally seen reason and decided to acknowledge my genius… mh…do that… oh… _again_… You sure know some tricks of your own…"

"Shut up and get back to business… mhhh…"

/

"Why did you stop me now, Stark?"

"Tickled."

"How _am _I supposed to get your clothes off when you always wriggle out of my grip?"

"You _could _try doing it without tickling me to death."

"You can be such a girl."

"Do you really expect to get laid when you go and call me a girl?"

"Well, you sure act as one playing coy. We had to do some serious kissing here before I was allowed to even open your shirt."

"Maybe I'm just nervous?"

"And then there's the issue about your bathroom…"

"What the hell's wrong with my bathroom?"

"Did you see with how many beauty products are in there? It's cluttered! Not even my wife had so many lying around."

"See, I'm a manly man."

"Your logic eludes me."

"You said cluttered."

"Erhm… yes?"

"See, I'm a man. A woman wouldn't have left them lying around. She would have tidied them up."

"…"

"See…?"

"Alright. Let's just pretend I never said anything. This is getting weird on so many levels."

"I was waiting for some action anyway… wait. You _did _insult me by calling me a girl."

"And?"

"You need to make it up to me for that, before… oh, why are you kneeling in front of the sofa… wait… you're… oh… _holy shit_."

/

"You back with me? You seriously scared me passing out during orgasm like that."

"That was mindblowing…"

"And here I thought it wasn't your mind I was blow… umpf… uhm… oh yeah."

/

"Let's move this, shall we?"

"Huh?"

"Ha, the famous Stark charm has rendered you speechless."

"Perhaps you're just talking in riddles?"

"I do have a perfectly fine bed for things like this…"

"You thought of this now after I've had already two cramps in my thigh?"

"So you wanna move?"

"No, too lazy."

/

"Ready to do me?"

"What are you talking abo… Jeez… warn a guy when you intend to put his hand there…"

"Relax. Don't you want to do me? I'd really like you to."

"You really want me to…"

"Fuck me? Yeah, sure."

"…"

"Awww, cute. I made you blush."

"Did you have to say it so crude?"

"Are you serious?"

"Surely you didn't want me to use the 'l'-Word?"

"…"

"Stark, you _didn't_, did you?"

"…"

"Are you serious?"

"What do _you _think? That I'd bed the first man who offered? I can assure you, you weren't the first…"

"Wait, wait, wait. You've had the chance before and didn't, although you wanted to try it?"

"I _am _attractive."

"I noticed. So why didn't you?"

"There was always Allie…"

"Actually she's still here…"

"…"

"She is, isn't she?"

"…No. I thought there was someone else. But obviously I was mistaken."

"Wait. Hey, don't stand up. Stay with me."

"I think I've embarrassed myself enough for one day."

"No. Seriously. Talk to me and no half-truths this time."

"…"

"Stark… _Nathan, please._"

"Allison didn't actually think I was gay…"

"But why…"

"Let me finish. She turned my offer down because she was sure I was interested in someone else and just too afraid to make a move on that person."

"And that person happens to be a man?"

"…"

"I've just recently been told that a shrug is no decent answer."

"Yes. It's a man, you idiot."

"Are we back to insulting each other?"

"Insulting you feels safer than having an actual conversation."

"Well, that much is true. So, who is it?"

"You _are _an idiot, Carter."

"'Jack'. If we're going to do this, it's 'Jack'. Or you won't be getting any."

"Does that mean you still want to… do it with me… _Jack?_"

"I think that Allison knew exactly what she was doing with sending me over here, Nathan."

"Does that mean…?"

"Yes. At least I _am _willing to try. I can't promise more."

"That's quite enough for starters."

"So… you gonna f… make love to me, or not, Nathan?"

"Sure, just lay back and enjoy."

/

"Ouch stop! Hurts."

"Sorry."

"Why in the nine hells did you do that?"

"What?"

"Are you deliberately trying to hurt me? Aren't you supposed to be the genius around here?"

"What are you talking about?"

"It's a muscle. You can't just push in with force and be done with it. You need to coax it open slowly, to relax me first. One could think you were doing this for the first time ever."

"Duh."

"What's that supposed to mean? Did you and Allie never try this out?"

"Please, I really don't want to be discussing Allie any more in bed."

"Technically we're still on your couch. You just brought the condoms and the lube downstairs."

"Just because you were too lazy to move."

"Stop changing the subject. You _have _done this before, right?"

"…"

"_Nathan_!"

"No. Allie finds it gross."

"But you wanted to do it…?"

"I was curious… but I didn't mean to hurt you."

"So why go all alpha on me instead of just telling me? I already knew you haven't been with a man before, why pretend you knew what you were doing? This doesn't work without communication."

"… Sorry."

"Forget it. Let's try again, but this time with the proper preparation."

"You still want to do it?"

"Of course."

"It's that good?"

"The next time I'll show you. You don't know what you're missing out on right now."

"Okay, so?"

"More lube. Plenty of it… crap… you _should _warm it up before applying…"

"I knew that… I just wanted to see you squirm…"

"Bastard."

"Your bastard."

"Fine, _my _bastard. Now use your middle finger to open me…. Yeah… that's the way to g… there… there… mh…"

"Sounds like I'm doing something right here."

"Stop talking and concentrate on… ugh…_there…_second finger… scissoring… uh… ohhhhh…. yessss…"

"More lube?"

"No, keep going… it's… uh… enough… I _do _love the feeling of getting stretch… ohhh… there…"

"Three?"

"yesss…. Good… idea"

"Are you…?"

"Yes, hurry. But do it… ssslowwwly…"

"Could you please make up your mind? Quick or slow?"

"Stop arguing with me, just do it, but go slowly…"

"Pushy. I like that."

"_Nathannn…_"

"God, you're tight… uh… you feel… oh… incredible…"

"Come on, I want all of you inside me… yessss… that's it."

"Ugh… stop squeezing me… I can't keep this going if you…"

"Move… Nathan. I want to feel you."

"This is… I can't believe how… good you feel."

"Better than your imagination?"

"Yeah…"

"You fan… uhm… fantasized about me?... Oh… do that again… faster!"

"No."

"Liar… oh… harder… come on do it."

"Sure…?"

"Yeah… I can take it now. Harder."

"Uhm… yeah… oh…"

"Touch me!"

"Jack… god… oh… Jack… I'm…"

"Yeah… come for me…"

"Yesssss…. Jack."

"_Nathan!"_

/

"Back to the living?"

"You don't need to sound so smug. You passed out too."

"But I did all the work."

"And tutoring you was no work?"

"I _am _the genius around here…"

"You're really full of it!"

"But you want me anyway…"

"I do but… _Crap_."

"What is it?"

"I just realized I lost a bet to my daughter."

"What bet?"

"When she saw us bickering for the first time, she said that it wouldn't take a year before we were fucking or killing each other…"

"Clever kid. She must take after her mother."

"Very funny. Do you have a shower around I can use? I feel kinda gross…"

"Sure… Can I come too?"

"What the hell are you waiting for? Hurry, or I'll start without you…"

**/**

**Endless End**

**Finished 7****th****September 2010**


End file.
